Honey I Blew Up The Avenger!
118 Mins. Starring: Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michael Pena, Walton Goggins, Bobby Cannavale, Judy Greer, Tip "T.I." Harris, David Dastmalchian, Hannah John-Kamen, Abby Ryder Forston, Randall Park, Michelle Pfeiffer, Laurence Fishburne & Michael Douglas. Director: Peyton Reed.
Cue the 'Mission: Impossible' (shoutout to 'Fallout' out right now!) theme bongos. Because like Michael Pena's Luis...I got a story to tell. O.K. So you know in the summertime when you're looking for something to do on another lazy Sunday? You go for a picnic in the park right? But then halfway through when you're trying to enjoy your sandwich some ants come through in a line and walk off with the expensive pastries. And you're like, "ahh damn just when I was about to enjoy a treat this week. I knew I should have stuck with the oatmeal packets". So you try and wash all this down with a Dr. Pepper and then a wasp flies in your face like a disapproving finger and you're all like the Hulk using Loki as a handmade fly swatter trying to shoo this thing away. Looking more like Star-Lord in a dance-off without any music the way you move around. And...erm...this has nothing to do with the story. Sorry, you know I get excited. O.K. So there's this billionaire, playboy, philantrophist right. And he builds this suit out of iron more expensive than Bruce Wayne. And then this guy in a leather jacket and eye patch who looks like that guy that's in every movie breaks into his place one night and is like, "Yo! Let me tell you about the Avengers initative. We got this one guy who guy from World War 2 we injected with something that aint truth serum. And this God from a whole other realm who won't let go of his hammer, or the number of who makes his hair that wavy and so full of volume. We also got two assassins who don't really have powers. But one kicks names and takes ass and the other has a bow and arrow...oh and we have a Hulk". And this billionaires like, "look I told you I don't wanna join your boyband! What is this N-Sync? Don't fear me baby. It's just Justin!" But then the brother of the guy with the nice hair is like, "I wanna be king" and takes it out on New York and all those Avengers they like...assemble and stuff.
But wait there's more. Like all kinds of superheroes that tic-tac shrink, crawl up walls, even wizards that don't make balloon animals or give ten points to Griffindor more. There's even a dude in this place called Wakanda that has all this special metal called vibranium and stuff and his distant relative is like, "hey you should share that stuff with your brothers and sisters around the world". And his cousins like, "no"! And he's like, "I wanna be king"! Wait...haven't we done this one already? Meanwhile the billionaire and that ice cube from World War 2 with muscles have a falling out. They breakup like a band...like The Beatles. The billionaires like, "sign this piece of paper before I punch you in your perfect teeth". And the ice cube with muscles is like, "nah! I have to protect my friend whose as old as me, but has some anger and integrity issues. He's already had his arm replaced so his hip is probably next and our pensions are coming up so...lets fight in an airport and get arrested and stuff". So they do. But whilst there having this fight this guy we almost forgot about because he's so small grows to like twice the size of ten Shaquille O'Neal's. And he's all like, "oooh I am Giant-Man now! Give me your orange slices"! But no one has any. Just house arrest. And while the rest of the Avengers apart from the guy whose arrow he rode (not like that) go off to fight this big purple dude that also kind of looks like Shaquille O'Neal, but sounds more like what you would find on Cable, this guy now shrunk down to the size of an Ant-Man stays at home. Meanwhile all these Avengers that have been assembling over what seems like a decade chase this purple dude round the galaxy whilst meeting some real a-holes, as he chases this fancy looking glove with sequins on it. You know the type of one that would make a good Christmas present for your girlfriend. Because it is August after all. And this purple guys like, "I can destroy half the universe with just a click of my fingers". And those Avengers are like, "no you can't"! And he's like, "yes I can...CLICK"! And he does.
But that's not important right now. We need something fun and entertaining we can laugh at after that epic force of tear jerking. And our Ant-Man, Scott (played by the 'I Love You' man, most likable, funniest man alive, Paul Rudd. Just watch him slap bass, bite James, chat himself up in the mirror and apply 'Sex Panther'...nothing to do with T'Challa. 60% of the time he's funny everytime...and you know that makes perfect sense) has some seriously funny growing pains. Not to mention he can't leave his front door like a reverse vampire. So he has to improvise adorable games and stuff and more card tricks than that dude that lived in a box for a month with no food (hey! We've all been there David) to play with his cutest daughter Abby Ryder Forster. Or a guy that kind of looks like Kim Jong is going to put him away son. No...I'm not being funny, Randall Park played him in his 'Interview' with James Franco...he's hilarious. Scott wants to go straight so his little Peanut's parents, his ex-wife Judy Greer and her new man and surrogate step-father Bobby Cannavale don't get salty and tell him the chips are down. He likes the group hugs. But Scott's got even bigger fish to fry and planes to land...that's how you say it right?! And we aren't talking about his X-Con security business with motor-mouth review inspiration Michael Pena on jukebox hitting form, 'Trap Muzik', 'Urban Legend', 'American Gangster' and 'Sleepless' rapper slash actor Tip "T.I." Harris and the equally hilarious David Dastmalchian. Wasn't he that weird guy from 'Prisoners' who kept snakes in toy chests? Ha! Prison. Oh...where was I? Well they're not exactly the X-Men but these ex-prisoners have it locked down. Get it? You see Scott went off and his own Ant-Man trail and left the Wasp in her nest. Man that stings. But now sharing top billing like she stole the show in 'The Hobbit', Evangeline Lilly upgrades and suits up and is like, "nah, this is my movie too! I have blasters dawg!" as she becomes the first female superhero in Marvel movies to get her name in the titles. And boy does she bring the bright lights. They'll need it in the LSD trip that is the Quantum Realm too as that guy they robbed Michael Douglas dusts off his Hank Pym suit and some mind-blowing C.G.I. to look for his lost love in the form of Janet Van Dyne. Or should we say Michelle Pfeiffer...or should we even say Catwoman?! And if he finds her she'll probably all be like, "what took you so long? We had dinner plans at eight! Eighty years ago!" Two acting legends playing two comic-book ones. What could go wrong? Well how about 'Django' and 'Hateful Eight' Tarantino stud Walton Goggins playing a Southern gentleman without hospitality. Getting his 'Iron Man 3', Guy Pearce with an accent on like, "yo! I want a piece of this too and don't even think about touching my chandelier Sia?" Or the real villain in the form of Hannah John-Kamen's Ghost of 'Game Of Thrones' past. Walking through walls and barriers of pain and villian justification this side of Killmonger or those who want to print 'Magneto Was Right' t-shirts with Thanos' name in place. And I thought Casper was scary. She even has a surrogate father figure in the giant heart of legend Laurence Fishburne's turncoat S.H.I.E.L.D. agent whose all like, "don't worry girl. I'll be your dad. You know what I'm saying?"! But how will it all play out now Morpheus takes the red pill and enters Marvel's M.C.U. matrix? All this, a 'Bullitt' like phasing, phenomenal car chase that comes from a Hot Wheels toy set and stuff and car door to door fight through the iconic slopes of the streets of San Francisco like Michael. Driven and directed by the returning Peyton Reed who took the wheel from more than just one Cornetto 'Baby Driver's' Edgar Wright. And not to mention a heated kitchen fight that's like, "here take this, and this smushed tomato, and this too". As it throws everything except the place where you wash your hands. Even a salt shaker. Daaamn! Add this with a dash of a real big catch off Fishermans Wharf and just a pinch of a Stan Lee cameo as classic and the funniest best since the last 'Ant-Man', "yeah crazy, stupid fine"! And all you wanted to know was is this movie good, right?! Yes! TIM DAVID HARVEY
Further Filming: 'Ant-Man', 'Captain America: Civil War', 'Downsizing'.
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