Savage Garden
119 Mins. Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Zazie Beetz, Julian Dennison, Brianna Hildebrand, Stefan Kapicic, Shiori Kutsuna, Leslie Uggams, Karan Soni, Bill Skarsgard, Terry Crews, Rob Delaney, T.J. Miller, Josh Brolin, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt & Fred Savage. Director: David Leitch.
"X marks more than the #### in this #&@ of a movie. What more could you $#@# from a new $$$$ X-Men team and f##### franchise of Marvel (redacted) that will c### from the X-Force across the (money shot)? And with daddy needing to express some (let's just say beep) in the best #@$ scenes you've seen in this #&$$ yet, every i### of this is so much more fun than a sandpaper ##@$. No need to #'№† yourself tonight." Well folks that's all we can safely give you from our original review of 'Deadpool 2', edited for the Parent Advisory: Explicit Content' generation. Paints a picture doesn't it?! But now we have to watch our P's and Q's and our F's and C U, next Tuesday's. As its Christmas time ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. And it turns out like Wu-Tang, 'Deadpool' is for the children. And nothing to fudge with. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...not even a Fred Savage. Wait! WHAT?! Fred Savage?! What the f...WOAH! Hold on there potty mouth. Ixnay on the F-nay. This is Canada people. Birthplace of Nickelback. "Never made it as a wise man. Couldn't cut it as a..." don't act like you don't know the rest. And besides this is 'Once Upon A Deadpool'. Just in time for the holidays this season's greetings is a yuletide special showing and reading of 'Deadpool 2' from Ryan Seacrest himself (it is Ryan Seacrest right?!) with no f###s given. Yes that's right the only F-Bomb here is 'The Wonder Years' of the middle-aged, baby face of Fred Savage. And unlike his baby bro this isn't 'Boy Meets World'. More like 'Dude That In This Soundstage Setup Looks Like He Still Lives In His Mums Basement Meets Ball Gag'. Because your favourite curly, coarse haired, pre-pubescent hero doesn't provide the "how is he saying this without moving those lips" freeze frame, zoomed in narrating monologue. But instead the color commentary and nerdgasm geeked out debates of what all is fanboys and girls were thinking but didn't have the Chimichangas to say. The narration is read from our one and only Mr. Pool himself, Wade Wilson. And although almost every girl in the world would love to have Ryan Reynolds read them a bedtime story as their gazing eyes try not to heavy lid doze off (apart from those who would rather it be his wife Blake Lively). Apparently you have to duct tape Senor Savage to his bed and kidnap him in his own home for him to lend you his ears...and pants!
Unbelievable! How rude. Kids twenty years later these days. Well it's time for you 'Stranger Things' young-uns taking more days off than Bueller (wrong coarse, curly haired man-child) to get your faces out of your phone's (ones back then had 'Wall Street' extendable cords that could really take your eye out like Hank Pym himself Michael Douglas). Because this movie is worth seeing again. If not for how well it holds up without a d### in its hand. One bleeped out bit is beyond inspired hilarity. But for the extra gags and 20 minutes worth of footage that play like an extended DVD special feature edition, or the 'Anchorman' alternative movie that was even classier than the actual Burgundy smooth sequel. This is the same merc with the mouth who has even been photobombing your favourite films DVD covers this year. From 'Predator' with a Supersoaker to 'Fight Club' (for the love of God don't drop that soap in the 'Worlds Softest Mouth' competition of the ice-box). Everyone's back too. Contractually obliged to appear in the same footage. Even reprises of Celine Dion's won't take it to seven but eleven, 'Ashes' theme song that, let's admit it now is even better than her 'Titanic' one. "Near...far. Wherever you are"! Come at me bro! Everyone's here. The world's funniest and most charismatic man not with an 'Ant' crawling over the first part of his name, Ryan Reynolds. Josh (how much Marvel money did you make this year?) Brolin, whose Winter Soldier arm is even better than that sort of significant part he had in the Avengers 'Infinity War' movie. Please don't click your fingers Barney. Just go back to farming. The twisted firestarter of New Zealand 'Wilderpeople' Julian Dennison, the perfect gangster mix of 2Pac and Ice Cube. 'Gotham's' own Morena Baccarin (wait...what?!). Everyones favourite cab driver, except that dude in the trunk, Karan Soni. The ultimate movie best friend T.J. Miller (NO! Not the guy who directed the first movie my first review). The X-Men this studio and director David Leitch who let 'John Wick' off the dead dog plot device leash could CGI fight, chrome dome afford without ripping the budget in half (*knowing wink*). Lead by the N.F.T. N.T.W. Brianna Hildebrand and her girlfriend Shiori Kutsuna (Hi Yukio! *Waves frantically*). And of course the all-star X-Force full of Pennywise clowns and Brooklyn double no in German's, lead by luck for us, straight out of 'Atlanta's' Zazie Beetz and the one and only, type A and B Peter. Not to mention if you need a hero Leslie Uggams' Grannypool. Your hands can't hit, what the wall can't see. Float like a Professor Xavier, Sting like what happened to Magneto's family.
X-Force is going to give it to ya (in a PG-13 way mind). And of course a class cast is joined by those classic cameos we can now spoil (but ALERT if you don't want to see, look away now). Like the split second, electric appearance of Brad Pitt who now can add superhero to his amazing character resume. As the blink and you'll miss it, perfect, rucksack rocking Vanisher. A now legendary gig he got that only cost Reynolds a coffee...brought in the DP suit. Imagine writing that on the side of a Starbucks cup with a straight face. And then of course there was f###### Matt Damon Jimmy Kimmel. Yep that was him fat suit and red necked up talking about the advantages of baby wipes and blow drys after an extended visit to the John after a foot-long. Yep, the man who played Loki literally in pantomime for a classic cameo in 'Thor: Ragnarok' is back for the second best surprise cameo of the year in the same feature film for another Marvel movie...although...well, you know. Beatles and Nickelback and all that. But no cameo is greater than the creator. And we aren't talking about the Wilson who thinks he is wading in the waters of a God, talking about a higher power before Tom Cruise 'Fallout' freefalling like Tom Petty out a plane to a 'MaGruber' lifted hilarious plot point twist. But the man who made this all happen. The late, great, one and only Stan Lee who apart from his "zip it Stan Lee" trailer testament was missing in this film, aside a Netflix like wall covering. Which is now graffiti covered with an even more fitting, beautiful tribute. But if you really, really stay after the credits like a true Marvel fan for the best post-credit, Cher 'Turn Back Through Time' you just have to see again and another gem that isn't Reynolds in a bathrobe or 'Hitman Bodyguard' co-star Sam Jackson in an eye-patch and a saucy leather number. Then you'll see such a hallmark, behind the scenes, homages and heartfelt tribute to the man and real hero behind every super from Spider-Man to Howard the Duck. More fitting than the bespectacled one and lasting C.G. cameo in the amazing animated Spider-Man 'Into The Spider-Verse' feature webbing everything up right now. The real Marvel has a lot to live up now as we wipe away the tears Captain. We're in the 'Endgame' now. Excelsior! And if that wasn't soulful enough, to those tearing down this Christmas tribute to one of the best blockbusters and superhero movies of the year that is now family friendly (sort of...depends on the family honestly), have a heart. Proceeds off the dollars made of this movie (after feeding the fat cats...we're looking at you Banner...stop busting through shirts, needle and thread getting real low) go to the 'Fudge Cancer's campaign in memory or Ryan's friend Connor McGrath. Now if that isn't heart, then I don't know what is. In a movie that when you take away the fucks (ahhh s###...my bad) is a lot more about love than a cornball writer like me could spoil. There's a message behind all this mess of ball sacks and diabetes...and I ain't talking about me. After all the only F word here is "family". F#####s! TIM DAVID HARVEY.
Further Filming: 'Deadpool 2', 'The Wonder Years', 'The Guernsey Literary And Potato Peel Society'.
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