REVIEW: BLONDE

 

3/5

Blondes Prefer Gentlemen.

166 Mins. Starring: Ana de Armas, Adrien Brody, Bobby Cannavale, Xavier Samuel & Julianne Nicholson. Director: Andrew Dominik.

'Blonde' ambition. Ana de Armas IS Marilyn Monroe. The full bold and beautiful embodiment in this epic, now streaming on Netflix. Mere months after she went 'Gray' with men like the Russo's, Ryan Gosling and Chris Evans for the streaming service. You saw this, headshot for real thing headshot in black and white, before the trailer teased like standing over a Subway grid. Brought back here to dramatic effect for your flashbulb memory. But it's more than that. Or the terrific tone of voice and capturing of character. Ana de Armas is Norma Jeane. But the 'No Time To Die' Bond woman who is more than a bombshell has nothing to do with this atomic 'Blonde's' hatchet treatment of her muse. If you want a real tribute to to Miss Jeane, listen to an Elton John song. Nothing else holds a candle.

'Killing Them Softly' director Andrew Dominik's ode to Marilyn at many times exploits the Hollywood icon, all whilst trying to show us how the world did that to her. From her dear mother to Mr. President. Dominik is a dominating talent, but is this unflinching biopic a Jordan Peele like message to those who love the horror of a spectacle ('Nope'), or something much more insidious? The irony here is not funny. Sure, this is not cowardly character assassination of Norma Jeane Baker, but the director of that Robert Ford movie (produced by Jesse James himself and long-time collaborator, Brad Pitt, currently doing the globe-trotting rounds with his 'Bullet Train' trip), needs to know when to rein it in. Clocking in at around three hours, some like it hot...but not this hot. Open a window and let some air in. 

Sure, 'The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert' made you earn the same deep character study for 160 minutes, but that's what neo-noir is all about. This haunting art-house, fever nightmare thriller reminds us of another Netflix misfiring one with better intentions, 'I'm Thinking Of Ending Things' (and we really were). Or a poor man's 'Black Swan'. Better yet, Darren Aronofsky's 'Mother!' which was a clusterf### (the movie, not his mother. I'm sure she's lovely). Yes, there are amazing artistic moments that come to LIFE here like a magazine cover. Gripped bedsheets turning into waterfalls like Niagara may be a little on the nose, but it's the best thing since Francis Ford Coppola transition turned 'The Godfather' of moustaches into a Sicilian tree. The classic cinematography here in every tone can't make up for the film's actual tone. Toxic and torturing like its runtime, you shouldn't start at 11pm the night before work (just trust me on that one). Shock and gore and even a bird's eye view from you know where, this is all too much. Oh, and filming her death in the same place Marilyn passed away? It blurs the lines of disregard and is a harrowing homage. Some may see as disrespect. 

Delivering her best performance, however, despite the 'Knives Out', Ana de Armas amazes in what should still garner an Oscar nomination. Even if most would rather spend 'A Week With Marilyn', Armas even arms up a better role than fellow chameleonic Miss Jean, Michelle Williams. Replacing the eyes of 'Tammy Faye' Oscar winner Jessica Chastain, who would have also been incredible. And maybe even Margot Robbie's 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes' pink dress Harley Quinn audition for her 'Emancipation'. From Andy Warhol silk screen, to Madonna materials and band names. Everyone has tried to capture Miss Monroe in her true essence. But you just can't. The fact that Ana got this turtleneck on the sofa close is astounding. The fact that this movie tries to corset confine it with claustrophobia is beneath her. Stranger than the fiction it promotes itself as, this psychological thriller, blonde on blonde based on the book of the same name by Joyce Carol Oates is a straight-up horror. Suicide blonde in excess. Threatening to turn Marilyn Monroe into a caricature, only Ana can save and make whole. 

There's a best picture in here somewhere, but it's based on Armas portrait. More than a wig like 'Blade Runner 2049', she brings the humanity. Even best actors like Adrien Brody (as 'The Playwright'), Bobby Cannavale (as the New York Yankee 'Ex-Athlete'. You know his name, Simon and Garfunkel told you) and Xavier Samuel (as Cass Chaplin, son of Charlie) try to silence this screen siren. Just like a mother crazier than said Jennifer Lawrence movie (a brutal but brilliant Julianne Nicholson). But it's the revolting scenes with JFK that are truly harrowing. Removing the romanticism of those rumoured "secret" White House tunnels...permanently. 

Rock God Nick Cave's cruelly compelling soundtrack underscores this as he gives the Nine Inch Nails of Trent Reznor a run for his money, six feet under. Haunting like 'Jackie' or 'Spencer' broke free from power, but left alone. Still, this at times botched biography with powerhouse potential has its intentions in the wrong place of influence. The only thing that inspires is Ana de Armas' punctuated performance and the resilience of her and the legend she plays, shaping her own legacy from the one left by this great. She and Marilyn deserve better. But this film has sharp points to make. This 'Blonde' is not fun or dumb. The lack of smarts comes from those ignorant ones who just saw her as flesh and didn't look under the skin to the beating heart. Sadly, in this industry that has far too many people having to say, "Me Too", some things haven't changed. Illegally blonde. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Black Swan', 'My Week With Marilyn', 'The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford'. 

DOCUMENTARY REVIEW: MEETING THE BEATLES IN INDIA

 

4/5

Eight Days A Wait. 

79 Mins. Starring: Paul McCartney, John Lennon, George Harrison, Ringo Starr, David Lynch & Paul Saltzman. Narrator: Morgan Freeman. Director: Paul Saltzman. 

How long would you wait to have some time with The Beatles? Longer than 'Lord Of The Rings' director Peter Jackson's over eight-hour magnum-opus of a Beatles documentary, 'Get Back'? 'Eight Days A Week' like Ron Howard? Well, that's exactly how long kindly Canadian filmmaker Paul Saltzman waited, 'Meeting The Beatles In India'. The new documentary and the latest one that is much more than the Fab Four. 

Get back into this. Because this is beautiful and one of the greatest docs on the best band in the world. Saltzman returns to his spiritual retreat where he once met John, Paul, George and Ringo. Picture the scene. This Paul is a young man. Overcoming abuse and searching for a sense of purpose. He woke up one morning and his soul spoke to him. And what did it show and tell him? To walk a path. One that led to India. And when he got there, off a 500 buck payday (the flight was 550) hustle, pretending he worked in sound and then moonlighting to study it, he faced heartbreak. A dear John letter for Paul from his girlfriend, moving in with another man. He needed answers. So off he went to seek spiritual guidance. 

But, there was no room at this inn. Four boys from Liverpool were in town. Yet, Paul was in need of more than love. So he was willing to wait. Eight whole days. In a tent before his pilgrimage began in the beauty of meditation. And then all it took was just a few minutes. Walking outside, Saltzman came across a table of people that looked more than familiar. These faces were famous. Featuring Mia Farrow, a Beach Boy and four friends that get by with something you might be fondly familiar with. Lennon. McCartney. Harrison. Starr. A couple of jokes about Canadians and colonies later and a friendship was formed. More than four times over. Thief thick. Studying under Indian philosopher Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, back in 1968, Paul became part of all this and photographed plenty of perfect portraits of the four. 

Ones that now have pride of place in The Beatles Story in Liverpool, with an exhibit that marks the anniversary of something that was over fifty years ago. But yet, still feels like yesterday. Meditating all their troubles far away. Now, when Paul is given a guided tour of the four's story on Albert Dock, he is moved to tears when he sees the white piano in dear John's room. And I don't need to imagine, I was the same. But from Liverpool to Tokyo, like a Lennon and Yoko exhibition, the mild-mannered Saltzman saw a yes when it came to actually bonding with the late, great Beatle. "The thing about love, is you always get another chance", John told Paul, like gospel (PREACH!). It helped Saltzman get over his stinging heartbreak. A few months later. John Lennon met Miss Ono too. 

Toronto, Canada, back to India, by way of Liverpool. What a way to go. From compelling conversations with his daughter (who was the catalyst of all of this) at the end of Route 66 on California's Santa Monica Pier. To the grace of 'My Sweet Lord' hearing Harrison meditate on the sitar, like father of Norah, Ravi Shankar. And from rifling through the 'Revolver' and 'White Album' classic vinyl in his garage. To listening like an iconic dog and gramophone to the HMV studios in New Delhi, where His Masters Voice heard some classic Beatles music, crossing over from Abbey Road like a zebra. Paul was even present when Paul McCartney was working on some of the words of an iconic song. But all he was a melody, still what a tune he carried. And what portraits the second Paul's camera painted. 

Animated like the amazing fond flashbacks (including an inspired look at Toronto's legendary vinyl fronted Sams Records) and as beautiful as an Indian sunset like an Elton John song. This definitive documentary that reminisces on a moment of bliss over a wonderful week is narrated by who else but the voice of Morgan Freeman? It also features the belief of 'Twin Peaks' and original 'Dune' director David Lynch who has done amazing work with Paul and Ringo and is in awe of Saltzman's sweet memories and fellow pilgrimage. Beatles historians, film composers and even Bungalow Bill (after hearing said song of his namesake, the only animals this former hunter shot were with his camera) himself all get together in a helter-skelter of a time capsule view on history like the epic gathering of THE iconic photograph that almost feels like a Sgt. Pepper for your lonely hearts club. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith once told us, "God, I love the sweet taste of India". But off the heat of his lens, Paul Saltzman gives us a visual and nostalgic feast. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'The Beatles-Get Back', 'The Beatles-Eight Days A Week', 'Yesterday'. 

REVIEW: DRIFTING HOME

3.5/5

Tokyo Drift.

119 Mins. Starring: Asami Seto, Mutsumi Tamura, Ayumu Murase, Bin Shimida, Daiki Yamashita, Inori Minase & Kana Hanazawa. Director: Hiroyasu Ishida.

Netflix's water-based animes of 2022 keep flowing with Hiroyasu Ishida's 'Drifting Home'. And finding their collective way, this 'Bubble' doesn't look like it will burst anytime soon. Following the aforementioned summer smash from Netflix Japan, comes Studio Colorido's follow-up to the cat hairs of 2020's 'A Whisker Away' (also on the streaming service). One that will remind you of everything from 2015's 'Typhoon Noruda', to the classic coming of age tale based on a body of work by Stephen King, 'Stand By Me', this rainy season.

Also making a big-screen voyage here in Japan, 'Drfiting' starring Asami Seto, Mutsumi Tamura, Ayumu Murase, Bin Shimida, Daiki Yamashita, Inori Minase and Kana Hanazawa in intense and inspired vocal powerhouse performances, concerns lost youth and family in a tale of youthful exuberance that is as wise as the words from your grandpa. They say youth is wasted on the young. But in all reality as we're trying to get to grips with it, it's more just as fleeting as the wings of a summer cicada, playing dead outside your door. And that sound will stay buzzing throughout this anime, like the many before this that lovingly render Japan in all its side-streets and twists and turns. All the way to the hand that reaches into the vending machine and jiggles around for a refreshing can or PET bottle.

Look up at what's dancing in-front of you in this sweltering summer as you wipe your brow, and you will see many an apartment complex. Concrete monolith dominating the sky like a Tokyo Tower, Torch, SkyTree, or neon words selling you something. Some kids may think they look like Godzilla or Ghidora monsters, others say they spoil the scenery. Here, they lovingly hold many a memory, like the lines of clothing hung outside. But after a storm akin to what Japan is weathering right now, apartment 112 (nothing to do with Atlanta's players club) is surrounded with flood water and set adrift on a story that is more than memory bliss. Playing into the punctuated global warming fears, punching a hole in the ozone with every hurricane and typhoon. It's a struggle for survival in a water-logged story that will drown you in plot and exhaust you in exposition. There's always one over the top, screaming and shouting character in anime. But these are all kids. Still, when the growing up is made and the waters calm, what you're left with is something beautiful.

Umitarô Abe's undeniable soundtrack will underscore this journey for you in the surrounding seas. One that takes you to the depth of your worst childhood fears, before shining in beautiful underwater colours you could only see on a deep-dive. This is when this anime truly submerges you in its epic escapism and wonderful world. It's been a hot one this year in Japan (ATSUI!). And many will be glad to wave goodbye (holds up hand) to summer season, hotter than a Stevie Wonder July that actually started sometime shy of April, early this year. But not so fast, let's not wish away the moments of our memory like we do times these days. We're only this age just once in this life. We should cherish and hold on to it, like each other. All before it drifts away in the whisper of a whisker. As stunning as the formidable fireworks spectacles on display in Japan every summer, this anime will help you find your way back home. TIM DAVID HARVEY.  

Further Filming: 'Bubble', 'A Whisker Away', 'Stand By Me'. 

REVIEW: SAMARITAN

3/5

The Good Samaritan. 

101 Mins. Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Javon Walton, Pilou Asbæk, Moises Arias & Dascha Polanco. Director: Julius Avery. 

Schwarzenegger. Stallone. Back in the golden era, Planet Hollywood 90's that this movie would have thrived in, these were our action heroes. Big budget blockbuster, box-office rivals, before they became 'Expendable' friends, trading presidential and "playing in the jungle" quips. 'Rambo' versus the man that took 'First Blood' from the 'Predator'. 'The Terminator' vs. 'Rocky', going the full-nine. The ultimate action hero showdown for their star-studded pictures. All before The Rock and Vin Diesel got into the 'Fast and Furious' cars, and so much more. Even before all these Marvel capes alternating with DC. Arnie and Sly, they were practically superheroes themselves. 

Which is why it's fitting that Balboa is now punching-up as a gully hero as gutter as the trash he takes out to a rain-soaked sidewalk every night like a discarded comic Spider-Man suit. All to the canned effects of his tenement building's door tin-opening like iron, man. That signature sound like a Wilhelm Scream. Sure, Stallone has been many a hero before. From 'Judge Dredd' to the 'Cobra' that doesn't shop here. The 'Demolition Man' has recently entered the comic-book Multiverse with James Gunn as Starhawk in 'Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2' and a f###### shark in last years 'The Suicide Squad', to King effect too. But now he's an even darker and richer hero of his own, as the good 'Samaritan' going up against a Nemesis (that has nothing to do with the Alton Towers ride that back in the 90's was as famous as Arnold and Sly's films) without a Salvation Army. 

Nope, like Jordan Peele. Sadly, Arnie is not unmasked as the Nemesis. But wouldn't that be a sweet sequel reunion, like the original 'Escape Plan' before Dave Bautista's Drax the Destroyer got involved? Instead, we have an even deeper reveal like the rendered CGI that will take you back to the days this grizzled legend was an Italian Stallion. Weathering hard times with his former franchise, this pugilist pug pulls no punches as a worn and weary hero. Even if the Samaritan's suited-up backstory as a supe may need to cut 'The Boys' a cheque, or at least Black Noir. But like that modern-day, cynical classic. This gritty tale brings the real-world down on you like a Peter Gabriel sledgehammer (no Billy Joel, this time). No matter how many cars it holds up like Cap's shield. 

Will Smith's 'Hancock'. Bruce Willis' 'Unbreakable' and all the 'Glass' that shattered after. Netflix's 'Old Guard' with Charlize Theron, or 'Project Power' with Jamie Foxx. Stripped-down from Marvel and DC, there's no other superhero movie quite like this 'Samaritan', as Stallone proves that even the older guard ("not obsolete" as his friend says) can still play in the sandbox. All as this Amazon Prime picture tries to find its footing next to Netflix and all the heroes and characters from a galaxy far, far away on Disney +. Brutal, but beautiful brooding. Stallone can do this kind of role in his sleep with growling gravitas and genuine heart as felt as his wise writing. He almost won an Oscar for it in 'Creed' on the Springsteen streets of Philadelphia, and there's always a sweet soul to these pictures. No matter what the critics say. Just step into the corner of 'Grudge Match' and take the pulse on the real meaning behind his and De Niro's 'Raging Bull' reunion return to the canvas.

'Son Of a Gun' and 'Overlord' director Julius Avery does a damn decent job of bringing this Mythos Comics ethos to screen. And 'Euphoria' star Javon Walton (no stranger to heroes in another super-charged, anti-franchise series, 'The Umbrella Academy') steals the show. Forming a beautiful bond with the reluctant, but fatherly presence of Stallone. Similar to Jackie Chan in 'The Karate Kid' with Jaden Smith, Ryan Reynolds with his younger self in one of this year's super surprises 'The Adam Project' and timeless movies before with tide and tested tropes that are testament to movie making. Pilou Asbæk (who was so good as Batou, alongside a Major Scarlett Johansson in the movie adaptation of the manga and anime 'Ghost In The Shell'), makes for a good bad guy, with 'The King Of Staten Island' Moises Arias by his bullying side. But it's 'Orange Is The New Black' and 'In The Heights' star Dascha Polanco, whose moving mothering will win your heart. In this Amazon prime-time picture, there is more than one Samaritan amongst all the bad. And when it comes to the leader of the old-school sticking the landing in this new Hollywood blockbuster game. We don't just have a real hero, but a real human-being, too. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Unbreakable', 'Project Power', 'The Suicide Squad'. 

REVIEW: BEAST

3.5/5

Beast Of No Pride.

93 Mins. Starring: Idris Elba, Iyana Halley, Leah Sava Jeffries & Sharlto Copley. Director: Baltasar Kormákur. 

Roaring on to big screens, between the summer blockbuster season and the fall of Oscar drama to come, is 'Beast' starring should-have-been Academy Award winner for Netflix's 'Beasts Of No Nation' Idris Elba. It's 'Luther' vs. the lion, no cage, nor witch, nor wardrobe could contain (no matter how many tweed overcoats are in there). Or should it be Bond (check the latest episode of LeBron James and Maverick Carter's SpringHill Company 'The Shop' for more whilst Elba rages and raves about this 'Beast')? Either way, an inspired Idris gets shaken and stirred by the pride of one lion gone rogue, no critic could maul. Slashing him worse than DiCaprio in the bear necessities of 'The Revenant' in this Predator vs. 'Prey' movie that welcomes you back to the real jungle of monster movies for your big budget. 

Marvel at the CGI that goes overtime on the special effects and truly pays off, not skimping on the costs. No need to claim any green screen or white dot difficulty for your silver screen spectacle. But this survival of the Idris tale is more than just one of man and beast. The whole family is involved. Reminding us of when the brilliant Blake Lively hit new depths in the shark tale of 'The Shallows'. Matching beau Ryan Reynolds being 'Buried' alive on his own solo acting survival. Those surfing shallows, bringing us back to the tide that 'Jaws' changed for the modern blockbuster, with something in the water. Forgetting all those sorry sequels that came after. Because the true one was 'Jurassic Park', that this film also finds inspiration in, via vehicular manslaughter flipped on its head. Trucking, with amazing action and suspension (and we're not just talking about the car) that's as seriously earned as all the emotion. 

Spielberg always said his animalistic movies like ones concerning Great White's and T. rex's were always about humans in metaphor, like a Stephen King horror. And this one is no spiel either when it comes to the heart of this matters in this family drama where the real survival lies. One that would be masquerading as a thriller, if it wasn't so tense and terrifying, that it couldn't be anything but a movie mix of genres like the terrific tundra of 'The Mountain Between Us' and Kate Winslet. Although, you should never trust her when it comes to ice and life preservers. 

Elba engrosses audiences as always, with his charismatic charm and bruised vulnerability, hiding behind a mask only a fellow who has been in the same struggle can see. But it's the family affairs of the heart that really touch a nerve. More searing than the sharpest claw in your back. Director Baltasar Kormákur ('2 Guns') knows all about this. He directed the epic 'Everest' if you want to talk about mountains. He knows how or build beautiful backstory, too, that makes you really care about the characters and the stakes he raises. And you're really going to care for breakout talents Iyana Halley, Leah Sava Jeffries, who have already made their mark. Serving up the best sister act since Saniyya Sidney and Demi Singleton as the Williams siblings in 'King Richard'. Ready to ace the Academy. Genuine talent has no baseline. 

And if that wasn't enough (we had you at Idris). Everyone's favourite character actor (especially Neill Blomkamp's) Sharlto Copley ('District 9', 'Elysium') is game for this South African reserve drama that holds nothing back. Especially the beautiful bond between lion and man in this movie's tamer and tender moments. Amongst copious roles, this is one of Copley's compelling best. Nuanced and not just narrative driven. There's more than meets the eye test, or snares you into this film's tense trappings as bait. 

Ambushing us and poaching you with human moments in-between the meat of the cat action, 'Beast' growls in your face with more intensity than Bill Murray hawking whiskey. And as nightfalls and machine guns from the wrong men come out, you know this wounded animal is at its most dangerous. But backed into a corner, widowed without a wife, nothing is more powerful than someone taking care of his own. And nothing can tranquillize that. Reconnecting after all the estrangement in some haunting fever dream sequences that stalk the senses of our stranded lead like the animal in question. And that what makes this lion, amongst all the tigers and bears (oh my!), King. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Jaws', 'Jurassic Park', 'The Shallows'. 

REVIEW: PINOCCHIO

3/5

The Lying King.

105 Mins. Starring: Tom Hanks, Benjamin Evan Ainsworth, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Keegan Michael-Key, Cynthia Erivo, Giuseppe Battiston & Luke Evans. Director: Robert Zemeckis. 

JIMINY CRICKETS! Wooden you believe it? There are more 'Pinocchio' movies out there than there is wood in a shed. There's even two being carved this year. I don't lie. My nose is big enough. I'm the kind of guy who enters a room and his beak has already been there 20 minutes. There is this from Disney + and then the forthcoming gothic stop-motion of Guillermo del Toro's new Netflix movie, this fall. Maybe that's why this film ends with the narration; "although many stories have been told," lamenting its legacy. Do we sense splinters? But they're not wrong. How about 2019's wonderful wood world? All the 'Shrek's' too? And of course the original magic of 1940, wishing upon a star. 

When you look upon this one that shoots across the castle that Mickey Mouse built, you'll miss the charm of all that vintage animation like a Steamboat Willie. But still, Disney keep whistling along to that iconic tune, as they chug out classic after classic in their live action age. Even setting some charming and chiming Easter Eggs to said stories. The Mouse house still knows how to cook up nuanced nostalgia from your childhood and that of your children's children to come. Just like shovelling coal into a box-office furnace. The best still belonging to Emily Blunt's perfect casting as 'Mary Poppins'. But under the umbrella of a different storyteller on Disney Plus day (that also features the streaming debut of Marvel's 'Thor: Love and Thunder' and BTS 'Permission To Dance: On Stage LA', live from your living room) who better to play Geppeto than Tom Hanks (well, aside from an Italian?).

Fresh off his compelling Colonel Parker villainous turn in Baz Luhrmann's 'Elvis', the hallmark Hollywood Hanks is back with that classic laugh like Woody, as he adds another iconic name to his filmography and Disney deluxe one. Forlorn but fondly in our hearts as the kindly toy and clockmaker, ticking and tinkering away at his life's worth of work and one weathered and worn wish, trying to string everything back together. Hanks reunites with 'Forrest Gump' and 'Cast Away' director Robert Zemeckis for more odd, but outstanding magic hiding the dark under a cloak. All as Zemeckis brings his man on the wire back, as 'The Walk' star Joseph Gordon-Levitt hits record on an unrecognizable vocal levitation left turn as the legendary Jiminy Cricket (especially in old school shock and awe reactionary statement). Sprouting a vegetable like head and a sweet signature sound every time he jumps. Add a cute CGI cat (go Figaro) and even more delights to this fishbowl and the 1883 storybook of 'The Adventures Of Pinocchio' by Carlo Collodi is storyboarded perfectly, with genuine delight.

Even the 1940s puppet is given a 'Toy Story' toy master like polish, no face-lift for to spit at. Thankfully, looking the bees knees in CGI, no sanding down. Because we were worried, like the fear of them one day making a new 'ET', without those amazing animatronics. But its new kid on the block Benjamin Evan Ainsworth (Disney's 'Flora & Ulysses') whose vocal shaky leg stand makes Pinochs a real boy. Truth be told. Even amongst big names like Gaston (Luke Evans' Coachman in the Willy Wonka 'Chocolate Factory' gone bad Pleasure Island for all you donkeys) and Keegan Michael-Key's sly and cunning fox that will have some saying 'Nope' like his comedy partner in crime Jordan Peele's latest horror movie. 

But upon this star, it's Cynthia Erivo's Blue Fairy that puts a spell on you and Giuseppe Battiston Stromboli and his amazing marionettes that really lock it down, as there are no strings on their talents. Shout out to breakout actor of the moment Sheila Atim in a blink and miss it moment too. And how about that song? As iconic as the Disney intro wish now, James Spader made it creepy as hell in 'The Avengers'' 'Age Of Ultron'. Onstage for some carnival scenes straight out of Guillermo's 'Nightmare Alley' with Bradley Cooper's shyster. Complete with the joke of the year when it comes to a certain actor called Chris. Timed perfectly in a spitting distance. Don't worry, darlin', we like this film's style. 

Hanks has your heart, and it seems Disney nose best when it comes to this shtick. But having more of a conscience to the original charm would have given this charismatic 'Pinocchio' the heart that will have made it truly real, boy. And that's the truth. Still, let the critics chirp like crickets as they say this ain't it. Even facing the chopping block, if you knock on wood, this alive action remake could be just what you wished for this fall. No strings attached. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Pinocchio (1940)', 'Pinocchio (2019)', 'Pinocchio (Netflix, 2022)'.

ANIME REVIEW: TEKKEN - BLOODLINE

3.5/5

Bloodline Maintenance.

6 Episodes. Starring: Isshin Chiba, Mamiko Noto, Taiten Kusunoki, Masanori Shinohara, Toshiyuki Morikawa, Maaya Sakamoto & Hōchū Ōtsuka. Director: Yoshikazu Miyao. 

Blood in. "What is it that haunts you? Whose eyes peer at you from the dark?" Commitment...just kidding! These are just jokes. Want to know how loyal I am? I still play a PSP like it's 2003, and I ain't talking about no Vita. As a matter of fact, the UMD that remains loaded up? 'Tekken: Dark Resurrection'. It's a regular fists of fury fight fixture on my train trips to Tokyo when my mobile battery can't handle Marvel's 'Contest Of Champions', which may have just jacked its style. And when the new Netflix anime adaptation 'Tekken: Bloodline' begins with the same words that started this piece, you know it's on like Donkey Kong. It feels like a video game setting, getting you ready for Bandai Namco battle, or like a 'Resurrection' of the title sequence of 2006's 'Tekken 5' that back then felt like Pixar, no pixelation. In the game like EA. Get ready for the next battle. 

Press start. Because its been a long time coming. Whether since the 2009 'Tekken' live-action movie. Or way back in 1997 for the 'Tekken 3' arcade game, this 'Bloodline' is based on in shared strands of DNA, before it became a Sony PlayStation game a calendar later. Directed by Yoshikazu Miyao, this new Netflix fighting game series can pit itself against the legendary likes of 'Baki', 'Record Of Ragnarok' (nothing to do with Thor) and 'Kengan Ashura' and we still don't know who would win a best of three in this big fight club. But we'd love you to talk about it over soap showers in an onsen, whereas much as you flex, you'll never have the arms of Jin Kazama and ojisan Heihachi Mishima for all your cult characters like a King who wears a leopard mask that will never change its signature spots. Still, we would have loved to have seen more 'Revenant' reverence for that grizzly bear. Even if he did get his ass handed to him by the Predator in Hulu's 'Prey'. 

Fireworks literally fly. Out of fists and outside domes like stunning spectacles do in Japan this time of summer giving way to the fall. And a class cast of voice actors (Isshin Chiba, Mamiko Noto, Taiten Kusunoki, Masanori Shinohara, Toshiyuki Morikawa, Maaya Sakamoto and Hōchū Ōtsuka) add more explosive notes to these names. They're all here for your player select. Paul Phoenix, Jun Kazama and the Ogre. All for this martial arts battle royale. With 3D animated anime that graphically looks as good as the last Tekken game from the groundbreaking franchise. Faithful to the source material like this revenge story is to family, this miniseries of six stellar episodes will sock it to you. Yet still take a bow like the gracious heart of a true champion. 

Finish this series! Sure, 'Spy x Family' may be THE anime series of the calendar across all the streams like Ghostbusters (Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus too). You don't have to be a telepath like Anya to read that. But this one still takes the peanuts. And will have you ringside snacking on the best fights of fantasy since Ali or Jet Li. No need for some Logan or Jake Paul. Pulling no punches, but knowing when to let its opponent lie, this series would be sweet if it was a one and done. But fly me to the moon and give me another season to play amongst the video game stars. Because this has been the best move you've seen since you mashed your controller and powered up for a boss signature. In black and white and red eye lights. 

The inspired intro of (ominous music playing) 'Tekken: Bloodline' 1ups it all. Beginning atmospheric and like something out of 'Tron' for the legacy. We even see an arcade game for your consoling. Nostalgia has never been so nuanced in this world. Sure, we live in one that streams games these days like everything else, from music to movies. But this resurrection of the bloodline will have you dropping more coins into the machine than when Sonic runs over a set of spikes. Powering up with Japanese gaming folklore in this electronic arts of martial law. From dojos to shrines of ringside inspiration. And even the deer scaring (don't put one of these in Nara) Shishi Odoshi water feature (only the Japanese would make something to scare sound so sweet and peaceful) that will make you want to 'Kill Bill' like Uma Thurman. And then of course there's the trading card swapping fighter intros that trumps everything else in this top 'Tekken'. Both sets of three rounds. K.O. You know you want to continue like 9...8. Blood out. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Baki', 'Record Of Ragnarok', 'Tekken (2009)'.

REVIEW: BULLET TRAIN

4/5

Bullet Time. 

126 Mins. Starring: Brad Pitt, Joey King, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Brian Tyree Henry, Andrew Koji, Hiroyuki Sanada, Logan Lerman, Karen Fukuhara, Zazie Beetz, Bad Bunny & Sandra Bullock. Director: David Leitch. 

Isn't it Alanis Morissette that an action movie set on a Japanese Shinkansen (one of the fastest and most efficient trains around the globe) arrives late in its native land of the rising sun? But then again 'Bullet Train', based on Kōtarō Isaka's novel 'Maria (you've got to read it) Beetle' is washed in more white than the Oscars. Thank God for 'Warrior' Andrew Koji, the 'Suicide Squad' Katana of 'The Boys'' Karen Fukuhara (part of a perfect poster promotional pitch) , one hero we'll keep hidden behind the cape, or carriage curtain, and the great Hiroyuki Sanada, fresh off his 'Mortal Kombat' with 'Wolverine' eloquence for this island and the trains that run north and south, back and forth in the same direction.  

Get on board though, ten seconds before the doors "s### balls" close. Because everyone is welcome on David Leitch's train. And the former 'Fight Club' stand-in stunt-double knows a thing or two about filming fighting chereography for amazing action (directing 'John Wick', 'Atomic Blonde', 'Deadpool 2' and the 'Hobbs and Shaw' off-road 'Fast and Furious' spin-off), going off the rails as he sends hoards of star-power to do more than crack Brad Pitt's tooth. The Hollywood heartthrob and movie megastar gets his licks in too in a movie whose claustrophobic carriage-to-carriage action will remind you of the South Korean zombie genre game-changer 'Train To Busan'. But this is Japan and this bullet is shot from Tokyo to Kyoto. And its going to take more than a pistol or a phone puncturing knife to stop this bucket hat and bespectacled hitman searching for Phil Jackson zen and one last job, looking like every homeless white person you've ever seen. Eat a bag of you know whats!

Brad looks like he's having the time of his big blockbuster life as he returns the shocking 'Deadpool 2' cameo favour to the dynamite direction of Leitch, who won't be vanishing from the box-office anytime soon with his trademark epic energy. All as he has the 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' protection of Sandra Bullock in his ear like a narrating guardian angel as 'The Lost City' stars trade cameo favours in a movie full of passengers we'll pass on spoiling, like the big White Death reveal did here in Japan. But is that an unrecognisable, 'Fury' co-star Logan Lerman as the son of Death? And who is that under the mascot head of that Tokyo 2020, Olympic Games jacking character? 

'The Kissing Booth', 'White House Down' and 'Independence Day: Resurgence' star Joey King punches her ticket, right on schedule for her moviemaking star turn. Whilst the best Brits of a 'Kick (Arse)' Aaron Taylor-Johnson (the John Lennon 'Nowhere Boy' who does a mean Ringo Starr impression) and 'Atlanta's' Brian Tyree-Henry (killing it like he did in 'Widows' as the villain) steal the show at this station. Leaving you debating what's faster; this quicksilver train snaking around the neon drenched streets, or...erm...Thomas the Tank Engine. 

Choo, choo. With more Diesel than Vin before this films third act calls fin in an anagram of Tokyo, this action smash and grab that snatches you like Guy Ritchie, even has a Bad Bunny for one station, in a movie that uses fluffy toys for silencers like 'The Godfather'. Rap star Bad Bunny really rabbits on Pitt in a star-studded suit and turn. As does Henry's 'Atlanta' (get ready for the final season, it's going to be a peach) co-star and 'Deadpool 2's' Domino, Zazie Beetz, to great effect. Even more than a French breadstick as the German-American actress brings the wonderful wig game to Scarlett Johansson singing karaoke with Bill Murray in 'Lost In Translation' and Maggie Rogers' 'Want Want' door. 

Keiko, my girlfriend, who thankfully loves movies just as much as me, said 'Nope' to this one like a Jordan Peele horror. She doesn't like the way her native Japan is depicted in Hollywood movies like soapland sleazy images of Yakuza violence, trapped in a 'Tokyo Vice' grip. And she more than has a point in this White-washed world of Hollywood mansplaining about other cultures the industry isn't even from...let alone understands. But this train, conceived and produced by 'Training Day' director Antoine Fuqua rolls on like a rolling stone. Even if its late arrival to its Japanese destination may have something to disrespectfully do with why Paul Thomas Anderson's tasty 'Licorice Pizza' (aside from one bad slice) took six months to get here, post-COVID. Although in Japan some films do come out on DVD and streaming services overseas before they make it here to the big-screen. 

Despite all that and an expensive bottle of sparkling water (forget the potato chips). Added with the bullets points of an annoying gaijin explained fact that even with some accurate Nagoya (great destination) and Shin-Yokohama (oh hey, home) locations this movie moves through Tokyo and beyond with as much continuity as that scene form 'The Wolverine' were they turned a corner from Tokyo Tower to the gaming world of Akihabara in pursuit (it's at least two trains and twenty minutes, but WMAS ('Wouldn't Make A Story') as my Dad always says (or is he just calling me an ass?)). This train still makes it on time, staying alive like the New Gees, thanks to a sensational Sanada (who has been sliced and diced in more Marvel movies than a Multiverse. Madness) in the first class carriage, a bottle of Fiji Water (not Fuji like I used to think) that may aswell be a character, and a snake that Samuel L. Jackson couldn't even get off this motherf###### jet train. All the way to an explosive end like that time a gnarly Brad stopped 'World War Z' in economy (who throws a grenade on a plane? Really!). This is the best bullet time since Wick dodged those. 'Bullet Train's' runtime goes by faster than a speeding Shinkansen. Catch it if you can. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Deadpool 2', 'John Wick', 'Train To Busan'.