REVIEW: BULLET TRAIN

4/5

Bullet Time. 

126 Mins. Starring: Brad Pitt, Joey King, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Brian Tyree Henry, Andrew Koji, Hiroyuki Sanada, Logan Lerman, Karen Fukuhara, Zazie Beetz, Bad Bunny & Sandra Bullock. Director: David Leitch. 

Isn't it Alanis Morissette that an action movie set on a Japanese Shinkansen (one of the fastest and most efficient trains around the globe) arrives late in its native land of the rising sun? But then again 'Bullet Train', based on Kōtarō Isaka's novel 'Maria (you've got to read it) Beetle' is washed in more white than the Oscars. Thank God for 'Warrior' Andrew Koji, the 'Suicide Squad' Katana of 'The Boys'' Karen Fukuhara (part of a perfect poster promotional pitch) , one hero we'll keep hidden behind the cape, or carriage curtain, and the great Hiroyuki Sanada, fresh off his 'Mortal Kombat' with 'Wolverine' eloquence for this island and the trains that run north and south, back and forth in the same direction.  

Get on board though, ten seconds before the doors "s### balls" close. Because everyone is welcome on David Leitch's train. And the former 'Fight Club' stand-in stunt-double knows a thing or two about filming fighting chereography for amazing action (directing 'John Wick', 'Atomic Blonde', 'Deadpool 2' and the 'Hobbs and Shaw' off-road 'Fast and Furious' spin-off), going off the rails as he sends hoards of star-power to do more than crack Brad Pitt's tooth. The Hollywood heartthrob and movie megastar gets his licks in too in a movie whose claustrophobic carriage-to-carriage action will remind you of the South Korean zombie genre game-changer 'Train To Busan'. But this is Japan and this bullet is shot from Tokyo to Kyoto. And its going to take more than a pistol or a phone puncturing knife to stop this bucket hat and bespectacled hitman searching for Phil Jackson zen and one last job, looking like every homeless white person you've ever seen. Eat a bag of you know whats!

Brad looks like he's having the time of his big blockbuster life as he returns the shocking 'Deadpool 2' cameo favour to the dynamite direction of Leitch, who won't be vanishing from the box-office anytime soon with his trademark epic energy. All as he has the 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' protection of Sandra Bullock in his ear like a narrating guardian angel as 'The Lost City' stars trade cameo favours in a movie full of passengers we'll pass on spoiling, like the big White Death reveal did here in Japan. But is that an unrecognisable, 'Fury' co-star Logan Lerman as the son of Death? And who is that under the mascot head of that Tokyo 2020, Olympic Games jacking character? 

'The Kissing Booth', 'White House Down' and 'Independence Day: Resurgence' star Joey King punches her ticket, right on schedule for her moviemaking star turn. Whilst the best Brits of a 'Kick (Arse)' Aaron Taylor-Johnson (the John Lennon 'Nowhere Boy' who does a mean Ringo Starr impression) and 'Atlanta's' Brian Tyree-Henry (killing it like he did in 'Widows' as the villain) steal the show at this station. Leaving you debating what's faster; this quicksilver train snaking around the neon drenched streets, or...erm...Thomas the Tank Engine. 

Choo, choo. With more Diesel than Vin before this films third act calls fin in an anagram of Tokyo, this action smash and grab that snatches you like Guy Ritchie, even has a Bad Bunny for one station, in a movie that uses fluffy toys for silencers like 'The Godfather'. Rap star Bad Bunny really rabbits on Pitt in a star-studded suit and turn. As does Henry's 'Atlanta' (get ready for the final season, it's going to be a peach) co-star and 'Deadpool 2's' Domino, Zazie Beetz, to great effect. Even more than a French breadstick as the German-American actress brings the wonderful wig game to Scarlett Johansson singing karaoke with Bill Murray in 'Lost In Translation' and Maggie Rogers' 'Want Want' door. 

Keiko, my girlfriend, who thankfully loves movies just as much as me, said 'Nope' to this one like a Jordan Peele horror. She doesn't like the way her native Japan is depicted in Hollywood movies like soapland sleazy images of Yakuza violence, trapped in a 'Tokyo Vice' grip. And she more than has a point in this White-washed world of Hollywood mansplaining about other cultures the industry isn't even from...let alone understands. But this train, conceived and produced by 'Training Day' director Antoine Fuqua rolls on like a rolling stone. Even if its late arrival to its Japanese destination may have something to disrespectfully do with why Paul Thomas Anderson's tasty 'Licorice Pizza' (aside from one bad slice) took six months to get here, post-COVID. Although in Japan some films do come out on DVD and streaming services overseas before they make it here to the big-screen. 

Despite all that and an expensive bottle of sparkling water (forget the potato chips). Added with the bullets points of an annoying gaijin explained fact that even with some accurate Nagoya (great destination) and Shin-Yokohama (oh hey, home) locations this movie moves through Tokyo and beyond with as much continuity as that scene form 'The Wolverine' were they turned a corner from Tokyo Tower to the gaming world of Akihabara in pursuit (it's at least two trains and twenty minutes, but WMAS ('Wouldn't Make A Story') as my Dad always says (or is he just calling me an ass?)). This train still makes it on time, staying alive like the New Gees, thanks to a sensational Sanada (who has been sliced and diced in more Marvel movies than a Multiverse. Madness) in the first class carriage, a bottle of Fiji Water (not Fuji like I used to think) that may aswell be a character, and a snake that Samuel L. Jackson couldn't even get off this motherf###### jet train. All the way to an explosive end like that time a gnarly Brad stopped 'World War Z' in economy (who throws a grenade on a plane? Really!). This is the best bullet time since Wick dodged those. 'Bullet Train's' runtime goes by faster than a speeding Shinkansen. Catch it if you can. TIM DAVID HARVEY. 

Further Filming: 'Deadpool 2', 'John Wick', 'Train To Busan'.